Thanksgiving

I talked with Kelli today. After a great week and loving every minute with her we talked about where things are going. They are going the way they feel. She loves me but everything in her life wants to go the other way. I certainly feel like I am prolonging the certain. I hate that and don't know how to handle it. Kelli wants more time but I to an extent the only one that helps is her. I don't want to think that. I really don't but today I do. I am willing to wait until I hear things how it she knows that if we get back together she will be back in the same spot. Through all the uncertainty that seems most clear to her. Ugh what to do. I want to wait for her but as common with this situation she is gonna have the opposing thoughts just how strong are they. Does it ever seem like it will work or is it all just false hope.

Realitivity

I have this problem of letting prospective of relativity slip away from me. It generally causes a fair amount of depression because everything is so apparently shit. With out human assigned worth or godly or any other there is no point and how can you be happy with anything when nothing satisfies any conditions (being in this state there are no conditions). So today was a mix of that feeling. It was a struggle I just hope to keep away from that though. Oh well what can I do about it. Don't lose your prospective is all I have to say. It feels like the slip n slide to the mental institute.

Happiness slowly returns

I am slowly finding my way back to a happy sort of level. It been good the past few days. I have been focused on doing things. I have been occupied with hanging out with Kelli or friends. I have been going and doing things. It's good. There is more to figure out and new things. Moving out is back in the picture. I am excited but it a lot of things to figure out that's for sure. I feel that moving out now though is important to be being more comfortable in my life so I am working at it.

Pressure

I am under tremendous pressure. Kelli is under tremendous pressure how we will not break is UN thinkable. All I have been able to do to keep from breaking is to suddenly refocus. It allows the pressure to calm. Problem is it is exhausting. The source of the pressure remains so it builds again and again and all I can do is keep flexing and jumping and moving. Its intense work. I have something I desperately want and I can't really have it. It makes me pressurize. Then I jump to I can have it if I just wait. I rationalize why I can wait. I can wait, but the pressure will still be there. To live with the pressure and jumping and get what I want or try so hard I don't want it (both outcomes being fulfilling ones) or give up and wonder and wonder and wonder some more. I am content in my misery. That seems so sad but its what I can allow myself to do and feel good so I do it. I guess its for her but its for me too. I just hope she understands. I know I am like polar opposites at times. I am a jerk to I am caring and infinitely patient. I hate that I am a jerk, but its me sometimes. Its me when I don't agree. Or its me being inpatient. It is my vent. My caring is me who I want to be and can be when I have what I want. Sorry that s life is all i can think. I am happy life is unfair. To me it seems only fair that life is unfair.       

Reckoning

Well today was my day to finally see what all my changes really were trying to say. I am not a child. Adult hood has been forced upon me by mysterious forces of this world (not really that mysterious). Trying to turn back is only like trying to shrink a few inches. You can try and all you will do is hurt yourself. Today was my day to realize that being an adult meant nothing more than I had to take care of my stuff. My life my money my plans my time. It was all in my hands and to drop one thing is not an option. As a child I faced all of these items but as an adult I face them all everyday. I can still be fun loving and live just as exciting a life but my pace and approach must change. I must keep my life in order so that I can easily do all the fun things. I must be responsible so that when I am enjoying something I don't have a looming feeling. I must make decisions that reflect my goals and wants of the short term and long term. It is a challenge but one that is perfectly doable. I just have to remove the childish things. Things like not keeping my room clean or keep myself in shape. those things seem silly but really make a world of difference. If I keep up with those things they are one less thing making to prevent my selfish pleasure decisions from feeling good. They will make my escapes not feel like I am running from something but running to something. Its never fun to run away from scary things. Its most enjoyable to run to good things like the ice cream truck. Running from wild dogs is much less enjoyable.

Nothing

There is nothing to do. Not that I don't know what I want its that I can't have what I want and I can't do what I want. I have to try and want things I don't want and it is so sickening. It is not living it is going through the motions of living. I have to try and want new thing because the things I want wont have me. Its like being out cast from your family. Its explainable. I don't know where to go and it makes me furious then sad then depressed then raging. I feel the constant need to do everything but none of it is any more than a moment to be occupied. At the moment I feel like everything. I am mad sad depressed and overwhelmed. I HATE being alone. 

Supporting yourself

Supporting yourself is a monumental task. When you don't have the people you can count on at your beck and call you are on your own. It is mostly illusion I feel like because I am not alone and Kelli is still there. I just know that I can use her like that. If anything bad was happening to me I have no doubt she would help but my  daily struggles are not mine to leave at the door and enter my life away from me. I have no escape from me. I have no entertainment of planning things to do with her or even the slightest idea when I will see her next. It is out of my hands. the only thing in my hands is my craziness. I am tired of trying to feel fulfilled living in William world. There are independent in a relationship people and there are independent people that like to live in there own world. I like to be independent in my shared world haha. My own world is missing something. I don't know where to go with this thought anymore so I will leave it there haha.