Friday, November 23, 2012


I talked with Kelli today. After a great week and loving every minute with her we talked about where things are going. They are going the way they feel. She loves me but everything in her life wants to go the other way. I certainly feel like I am prolonging the certain. I hate that and don't know how to handle it. Kelli wants more time but I to an extent the only one that helps is her. I don't want to think that. I really don't but today I do. I am willing to wait until I hear things how it she knows that if we get back together she will be back in the same spot. Through all the uncertainty that seems most clear to her. Ugh what to do. I want to wait for her but as common with this situation she is gonna have the opposing thoughts just how strong are they. Does it ever seem like it will work or is it all just false hope.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


I have this problem of letting prospective of relativity slip away from me. It generally causes a fair amount of depression because everything is so apparently shit. With out human assigned worth or godly or any other there is no point and how can you be happy with anything when nothing satisfies any conditions (being in this state there are no conditions). So today was a mix of that feeling. It was a struggle I just hope to keep away from that though. Oh well what can I do about it. Don't lose your prospective is all I have to say. It feels like the slip n slide to the mental institute.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Happiness slowly returns

I am slowly finding my way back to a happy sort of level. It been good the past few days. I have been focused on doing things. I have been occupied with hanging out with Kelli or friends. I have been going and doing things. It's good. There is more to figure out and new things. Moving out is back in the picture. I am excited but it a lot of things to figure out that's for sure. I feel that moving out now though is important to be being more comfortable in my life so I am working at it.

Friday, November 16, 2012


I am under tremendous pressure. Kelli is under tremendous pressure how we will not break is UN thinkable. All I have been able to do to keep from breaking is to suddenly refocus. It allows the pressure to calm. Problem is it is exhausting. The source of the pressure remains so it builds again and again and all I can do is keep flexing and jumping and moving. Its intense work. I have something I desperately want and I can't really have it. It makes me pressurize. Then I jump to I can have it if I just wait. I rationalize why I can wait. I can wait, but the pressure will still be there. To live with the pressure and jumping and get what I want or try so hard I don't want it (both outcomes being fulfilling ones) or give up and wonder and wonder and wonder some more. I am content in my misery. That seems so sad but its what I can allow myself to do and feel good so I do it. I guess its for her but its for me too. I just hope she understands. I know I am like polar opposites at times. I am a jerk to I am caring and infinitely patient. I hate that I am a jerk, but its me sometimes. Its me when I don't agree. Or its me being inpatient. It is my vent. My caring is me who I want to be and can be when I have what I want. Sorry that s life is all i can think. I am happy life is unfair. To me it seems only fair that life is unfair.       

Thursday, November 15, 2012


Well today was my day to finally see what all my changes really were trying to say. I am not a child. Adult hood has been forced upon me by mysterious forces of this world (not really that mysterious). Trying to turn back is only like trying to shrink a few inches. You can try and all you will do is hurt yourself. Today was my day to realize that being an adult meant nothing more than I had to take care of my stuff. My life my money my plans my time. It was all in my hands and to drop one thing is not an option. As a child I faced all of these items but as an adult I face them all everyday. I can still be fun loving and live just as exciting a life but my pace and approach must change. I must keep my life in order so that I can easily do all the fun things. I must be responsible so that when I am enjoying something I don't have a looming feeling. I must make decisions that reflect my goals and wants of the short term and long term. It is a challenge but one that is perfectly doable. I just have to remove the childish things. Things like not keeping my room clean or keep myself in shape. those things seem silly but really make a world of difference. If I keep up with those things they are one less thing making to prevent my selfish pleasure decisions from feeling good. They will make my escapes not feel like I am running from something but running to something. Its never fun to run away from scary things. Its most enjoyable to run to good things like the ice cream truck. Running from wild dogs is much less enjoyable.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


There is nothing to do. Not that I don't know what I want its that I can't have what I want and I can't do what I want. I have to try and want things I don't want and it is so sickening. It is not living it is going through the motions of living. I have to try and want new thing because the things I want wont have me. Its like being out cast from your family. Its explainable. I don't know where to go and it makes me furious then sad then depressed then raging. I feel the constant need to do everything but none of it is any more than a moment to be occupied. At the moment I feel like everything. I am mad sad depressed and overwhelmed. I HATE being alone. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Supporting yourself

Supporting yourself is a monumental task. When you don't have the people you can count on at your beck and call you are on your own. It is mostly illusion I feel like because I am not alone and Kelli is still there. I just know that I can use her like that. If anything bad was happening to me I have no doubt she would help but my  daily struggles are not mine to leave at the door and enter my life away from me. I have no escape from me. I have no entertainment of planning things to do with her or even the slightest idea when I will see her next. It is out of my hands. the only thing in my hands is my craziness. I am tired of trying to feel fulfilled living in William world. There are independent in a relationship people and there are independent people that like to live in there own world. I like to be independent in my shared world haha. My own world is missing something. I don't know where to go with this thought anymore so I will leave it there haha. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

The struggle

I have been struggling personally as well as with my relationship for almost a month now. I have made great efforts in my personal life to become better and I see progress and I enjoy myself more. My life how ever is empty. Last night I woke up shaken and crying and went to see Kelli. I told her I dreamed my life was empty boxes. I am sure she had no clue what I was saying, but I was saying something. I had a dream and in it I was looking through my current belongings as though I was sorting through them. I looked through all the boxes and found nothing. I was in a room with no walls or bounds full of empty boxes a chair and a desk. More representative of my job. I have a job. My boxes are empty right now it is sad. As I said one thing that has been of use lately is my personal growth while not complete it has moved to the point where I am looking beyond just that and I see my life is empty. My life is on hold. It is like I am motivated forward but I might as well be in a snow globe because you shake me you make me move but nothing new is there each time the snow settles. I am still where I was. How many times can I ride the same roller coaster before I want to die. My relationship issues are on hold. My personal life is almost on hold because of my friends issues and and my personality. My life is just meaningless without the people I care about and u struggle to make friends because I don't tolerate traits I don't like in quantity. I can't help it. I just don't like to suffer people that make me want to be somewhere else. I don't know where to go what to do. Where do I wait how do I wait do I wait. I want to wait. Should I. I think the person I am waiting for wants me to wait..... Most of the time. I don't know. I feel like I sold a car to some one let them drive away and I am holding an I owe you. It's all trust nothing more and trust is a struggle. Even when you do trust your mind thinks of all the reasons not too. And you fight that and do it anyways. I am constantly fighting myself and eventually someone wins and eventually some one gets hurt. I know the hurt is already there. I know that. Just how much longer will I stay in the ring? What would I do if I stepped out? Right now the only place I see myself wanting to be is in the ring, so I guess the fight will be going to the judges for decision. Most likely after 500 rounds. I feel like it is just round 2 starting too. Oh well, my stubborn is ready my mind is not and my heart is willing. What a shit show.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Dirty clothes

Cloth that aren't mine are gross to me. They can be perfectly clean out of the dryer only worn once and I get all creeped out by them. I don't know why. I realize though that all people have little oddities about them. All people have quirks. Like clothes I don't care for used people. I don't care who the user was but people that have farmed themselves out to drugs sex or other things are not my type. You can wash people better than clothes but it is certainly a case by case thing for me.

Another thing I learned is people's quirks are completely mental! You can be one way in one part of your life and completely defy that in another part of your life. I understand this is everyone to an extent but to much of that I can't imagine is heathy to just allow without question.

How do you see this in yourself though I might ask and my only response is honesty. Bearing your soul makes the halves come together. I have been working on this personally lately. It is difficult as most things are but it is good.

That is where I am left today use honesty with yourself and other because if you aren't honest with others than you still have the whole halves thing going. And be honest to yourself. Today's wisdom is probably broken to most but it makes sense to me!

Friday, November 9, 2012


I live for adventures. I love to go try and get eaten by bears kayaking. I like to go slid down big hills. I like to go climb rocks. I am lazy at times though. I realize I shouldn't be. I regret being lazy. What can I do about it now. I suppose I shall keep my eyes out for whomever maybe my adventure pal. I need an adventure pal :). I also need to stay open to new kinds of adventure haha


Skiing is just around the corner and my ski buddy is gone. That is super sad but I suppose I shall make it alone. I love to ski so much and though it will be alone I will still go I suppose. That's though to say or think about but it's life


Although I want to see Kelli I can't encourage her to fight the flow. She needs to be relaxed. I wish it was easy but it's not. We are not sure what causes her to be exhausted and we can't rule out that its me. Life is tough and you must make hard decisions. As Kelli and I discussed this morning there is great pressure to do things you are uncomfortable with because they seem easy. The truth is the good choices are not so easy. Only once you have kept that commitment to yourself can you fully appreciate the consequences. Life is super confusing right now. I hope that more peace is found in the coming weeks. I want to go do so much but I feel so incomplete doing it alone. It is a struggle. I go for a motorcycle ride alone and I can't stop missing my back seat passenger. I go for a walk or run and think how great it would be to have company. I cook dinner and I miss cooking dinner for that person and seeing them smile. I imagine going on adventures all over and feel sad. The thought of going alone makes it feel like a waste.

Thursday, November 8, 2012


I have lost all that was good to me. I haven't a clue how to handle that. I haven't a clue how you lose your best friend and the girl you wanted to grow old with. I haven't a clue. All I can say is I hope to never make the same mistakes of not holding on everyday. Kelli was worth everything to me but I didn't show it :( now I get to live with the consequence.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


In business it is said a person is paid based on the companies ability to replace them. Relationships are no different. If someone means the world to you, give them the world, give them everything. If you can't replace them don't give them reason to think that you could. This I have learned surely. If they are worth the world they are worth ever second of your mind and thought. That's not to say you have to be attached at the side, but it does mean to be entirely involved. You are lying to yourself if you think otherwise. You don't have to do everything together, but you have to talk about everything together. You can't loose touch. Even if you feel you are staying in touch you aren't till they have no more to say. If you honestly don't have much to say then you best consider are you in the right frame of mind. If you have stuff to say and aren't saying it you are robbing yourself of the best thing in your life. The world is amazing and love is certainly one of the best parts so don't trade it for secrets or time sitting alone bored. You will never be bored with your love one in mind!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Where are we going

No one knows. Why are we going. We don't get a choice. Who is coming with us we can't be sure. What will we find, only time will tell. How do you live with this. You live in the moment and drive your life. Don't ride or you will end up down a road you don't want. Luckily if you wake up you can always hitch hike back it seems. Weather the people's you lost will come get you is anyone's guess. It's just a long long road. Don't be waiting to get somewhere. Go somewhere!


Why do people suck? They all seem to suck. I feel hopeless trying to find someone. It is a bottom of the gut feeling that I am hopeless. It is hard to combat. I want my zen I want to be writing about the peace i found today. I know that every day is a struggle and every day you must make your own peace with. Everyday is a struggle. Writting is certainly helping me to find my zen. How I deal with not having Kelli is a zen I am still at odds with. I don't know how to do it. That was my zen subject for today and I found little.I just don't know where to start I suppose. Most struggles I can at least find a start point.This one I can't. I was glad to hear that Kelli reads this. It makes me feel that she understands now what happens in my head. I don't know what happens up there most of the time.It would be interesting if she would tell me what she sees in my words. I like third party objectivity. I also feel however she is the only person I can share these thoughts with. It is just not in me to be open to the world I need a sand box to put my heart in because I am a softy. I trust you with my heart so protect it. Don't be ashamed to talk about it either, good or bad. But this is my hearts playground and right now only Kelli is allowed in my sand box.

Weekend, well my weekend will be interesting. I want to do something. I want to find a girl and just take her out. I feel like that will at least help me feel like I am less stuck. I love Kelli but I understand that the distance will be a crucial thing working against me. I wish I was there. for now that is all I have being I have been talking to her about it tonight. Sadly that helps less because I can't focus and I feel more like I am not saying what I want to.Ugh my emotions feel like they are impossible to communicate. I know that is not true but something about me can't see it.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Me Myself and I

Well thats my life right now. Go to work, go work out, eat, sleep and repeat. Talk about dreadfully dull. I no long am able to look forward to taking Kelli out. I don't really have a rush to date anyone else. I am not too big on humoring people I am not interested in. I just drift off and don't listen to a word they say and it is not nice. I have only myself and it is BORING. I like to live with a person. It is better! I have no doubt. I am trying to find events that people of my age and interest will be at. I feel like that is my best hope of meeting people I even want to be friends with. I am come and go on the party scene and typically the girls there are looking for a hook up or just drink away there sorrows. Man is it lonely. I can't even just surround myself with peers. They aren't here. I live weekend to weekend and I guess I will get my alone time in. I don't think I will ever want alone time again after I find a way out of this. I really hope I can go see Kelli! God I would be so much better off if I had some friends in town. The days creep by soooooooooooooooo slowly it is unbelievable.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


I am still worried even though Kelli and I came to a compromise I was happy with. I guess it's still just unclear if it will work. In want her to be happy! I want to be happy! It's hard to be happy when I know she is conflicted and not satisfied with her life right now. I know I can't fix it I just don't want to make it more complicated for her. Space William give her space that is the best support for her. She needs support in the form of space and cooperation! I am trying and I know quizzing her doesn't help I know this but it's hard not too. I must not! I need her to be happy with the direction she is taking so I must not impose. I will not impose! Don't let me impose. If you need to change your mind to feel the go with the flow! That's how it needs to be. Go with the flow. That's how I need to get myself through this. All so complicated but It will be worth it if we can do it. If we can both be happy even if not with each other it's gotta happen. I feel like I need to write that a thousand times. I just want stability no matter the form. She needs to feel stable for me to feel stable. We need each other to feel stable. I must be stable to help her worry about one less thing. I told her I would talk to Ashlyn..... Well tried that and it's not gonna work haha oh well I guess I am still hunting for a date. She is too though. We both need to be explorative. It's hard but I got to do it. I will do it. If ever I needed to be strong and confident it is now! I must find my strength and push forward. I will find my strength. I will push forward. I will motivate myself. I will be awesome haha. I hate pep talking myself but go William. I feel like the compromise can work but I need to be strong! I can't worry. I must go with the flow. Over thinking has been a problem so far I need to stop it on my end. I need to be solid. Pep talk William haha. Let's go William! Break! End the cycle haha. Just be William so Kelli can find Kelli!

Open relationship

Well it's interesting. I am not sure how Kelli will handle it. I hope it works I feel like it could be the best of both worlds for us both. She seems interested in dating but I don't feel it is her main focus. I don't know though. I feel like it is best to let here figure it out so I will try not to be as involved as I want but still enough that she isn't a reck. I don't know how I am going to do that but she needs space I know that. I love her but I will go dating myself. I want to be open as well. This is a tricky time for me and her. I hope she finds something that makes her as happy as she was. She was so great then. She still is but the spark she had is gone it feels. Not even our spark, but her spark. I see so much adventure ahead of me and I am ready to live it and I hope u can get her to live some of it with me but regardless have her live it for herself. She needs to live she knows this. I just hope she can be happy!

This weekend. It was good and bad. I meat lots of girls but man did they suck. I am just not interested in them haha I hope to get a date this weekend that I can enjoy at some level even if its not a girlfriend material kinda date. I wanna have some fun and I wanna explore my options just so if Kelli and I don't work out I am not dead in the water. I hope that's not the case but I can't say right now. I need to stay focused on be open and keep living with and without Kelli. As much as I want it to be all with her I will not get that she needs space! She is amazing and I can tell she is super conflicted. She is strong and she will make it. I will help her anyway she ask . Be strong Kelli you have so much to look forward to

Saturday, November 3, 2012

I want two things but only have one.

I want to be a crazy kid. I have that. It's fun :). I want my crazy girl, I don't have that. Every time I am doing something fun I think damn if only Kelli was here. I was missing so much fun I should have been having with her. It's bittersweet haha

Friday, November 2, 2012

I want to not be so down.

What else is there to say about that. I am just trying to think Kelli is happier I should be too. I don't know. I just don't know. I can't say it enough haha ugh

Life with my friends

Life with my friends I enjoy.

Life with my friends is good.

Life with friends we go out.

Life with friends we laugh joke and have a simple uncomplicated time. We do what we want.

Life without my love is lonely!

Life without her is looming over my head.

I miss her because I love her and we had fun no matter. I miss her because I can't go adventure with her.

Life is lonely because I have no security.

Life is lonely because I don't have my best friend.

Life is lonely because no amount of relationships will fill the hole in my life.

I can't explain it but its so true. I can drown my want in anything it seems.

I always forget something.

I always forget something. I was going to say that my emotions (there are only 2) are sad and hopeless. Kelli was always the hope person I was the rational and slightly pessimistic one. It sucks.

How we grieve

How to we grieve?

We rationalize.

When we rationalize we are grasping for an answer that excuse us of guilt and possibly even let us think that there was nothing to do for it. This allows us ease because there can be no regret. We try and make light that we did the right thing.

Sadly I know that to a degree the right steps have been taken to fixing my problems even though others could have been taken. A path was chosen though the way it was because there were two people. That is the difficulty of relationships but you must compromise. I am fine that I had to compromise, that is the least bothersome to me. What I do hate are the issues that drove us to this. We made young people mistakes and once we realized it we needed a break. I got that, but now the thing is who knows. Love was cut off because of mistakes independent really of the relationship. Yes I know that if the relationship is miss used or abused it is not a good relationship. I don't feel it was miss used. I don't feel it was abused. We were simply to excited to grow old together and weren't living the lives we have now together. That is still frustrating yet further because even though we have distant lives they are by no means too far.

Kelli drained herself. She focused on the relationship as though it was the only thing in the world. It is easy to do when you love someone, but you defiantly miss out. She sees this now but she doesn't know how not to do this. Honestly you just have to say even though I want to be with my significant other my friends are doing something. Next either go do it alone with your friends or bring your boyfriend. Regardless don't over focus on one part of your life. I understand that she had the best intentions. I am sorry that I failed to realize the toll it took on her. That is part of the problem with the distance we communicated through our actions and apparently written word works well with the both of us as well. We didn't write before the break up. Now we do, what a shame. But not seeing each other enough and not having writing we were not easily able to see each others problems. All we knew was that the other was not there same happy as happy can be self. Lesson learned.

I am hopeless I realized. I think about trying to meet a girl just like Kelli maybe better. Well no to people are alike so really I have to find new things in a woman that I like or dislike something about Kelli.The latter I feel will be nearly impossible. I am always open to new things but man it is going to be a crazy struggle. Hey if life were nice it would see so fit to put us back together. One thing I can say is I will never be bitter. I will never not do my best to place myself in someones shoes and think how they see it and what light they make of it.

I try and make light of everything. I have made light of the event s recently unfolded as can be read but now I am struggling to see any light beyond the tunnel.      

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Welcome back crazy William

Night climb of sharp top in the snow with no flashlight. If u could say anything now it is that god that made me miss Kelli. It was scary but she would have been there. Don't get me started on what eating snow did to me. Her love if ice I miss soooooooo much and then skiing. I have not bought a season pass I don't know if I will. Skiing was such a huge thing. We loved doing that together sooooo much and the thought of being without her there is the most painful thing I thought all night. I felt so bad. I still do but I can't fix what is happening. That made my life feel the emptiest it has felt I think!

There is too much to say

There is simply too much for me to say even though I have a feeling it is to no one. I realize that I am not going to jump into a relationship. I am not ready I need to the single life to grow up. Although it maybe lonely it is the most fulfilling life I could think to live right now. I realize there is to much reflect in me to move on to a new person at the moment. I want to grow personally because I don't feel Kelli and I would have as good a chance later if I where to become stagnant. I want that shot and I can't lose by choosing to grow.

I know I will have almost two sides to me but everyone does because everyone is living the moment while living to reach something the have as a goal. This to me seems natural for people our age. To balance responsibility with freedom and childishness. My mind is all over the page tonight and I fear not writing in will forget anything I learn haha.

I will learn. That is how we move forward and grow ourselves.

As I should know better than most

Walk a thousand miles and learn more than in a thousand books. I have learned most of what I know through my experience. Time to be on the go again. Time to start living. I have to re understand this saying and keep it in my mind.

life goals

Life Goals:

Be a family man
Be stable
Live to grow the soul and love to share it.

I am writing this in light of my current situation. I lost the love of my life. I lost my best friend. I lost track of my soul, my most beautiful feature (if you consider me beautiful though in my eyes everyone is!). We were in love. No doubt I believe we both still love one another but our souls needed to grow to find how to keep that moving. We needed to find ourselves. I hope that we find ourselves and one another but who knows.

I lost my soul racing to get to a place in life you honestly can't just skip to. I had a girl I loved a job and she was well on her way through school. She was beautiful in every way. We felt so natural together, but we both started living life for the destination. Not a good plan. Don't do it. Your soul will get buried trying to comprehend what you are missing. I was missing that even though I am further ahead than I should be I can't not let my soul not catch up. I was confused and slowly wasting away as I lost touch with fun. I am in a tricky spot but I still need to be a little reckless. I am to young to not be. The truth is if life stops being an adventure you aren't living. My girl was my adventure mate. I can't say how much I enjoyed living in the moment with her.

We could do seemingly anything an little bits of fun and love always emerged. It was great. Our souls will forever love one another in some way. And that is a big thing about love. love is in the soul and it is grown through the soul. Your love struggles to grow if your soul is stuck. We are both soul searching now on our own to learn again how to have a soul ready to grow in love.

I am really ADD but it has to be stream of consciousness for my soul to come out. I found that letter writing is a fabulous way to share your soul. That is something I learned from Kelli, something I will never lose. My relationships from here out will involve letter writing. You struggle to write lies the truth begs to come out.

I learned so much in so few days through writing and life is all about learning and growing. I have learned so much about life and its meaning from Kelli. I learned more depth and I understand myself better. I understand how I should live life better. There are not enough days or hours on this earth to skip anything.

Now I wonder who I will become. I know I will be crazy as my rediscover youth drives me to be, but also responsibility and caring will surely keep me growing. I want to be involved in the world. The world can teach you so much. It is beautiful. While Kelli wishes to travel and give back to the world at the same time I am content to do anything anywhere that the kinda person I am will allow of me. I am not a person that can commit to the solitude of total dedication to giving back but the chances to help where ever I am (home or abroad I will surely consider a meaningful and learning experience). I want to volunteer. I was a boy scout and i was proud of it. I was a member of the order of the arrow. Hush! its a secret haha! those service organizations grew me into so much of the man I am now and they did this through teaching the meaning of silent service. You serve without being asked, you serve anyone or anything noble and you ask for no credit. You don't put up commemorative signs or draw attention to yourself you just serve. I need that in my life and I had lost that trying to live to fast.

They say don't get caught in the hustle of life it is true your soul will suffer. Don't waste time chasing meaningless things. live in the moment and make life count!

The amount i learned from kelli is not something any book of words could hold but I write this to share with her if she chooses to read. I want you to always see my soul!