Monday, November 12, 2012

The struggle

I have been struggling personally as well as with my relationship for almost a month now. I have made great efforts in my personal life to become better and I see progress and I enjoy myself more. My life how ever is empty. Last night I woke up shaken and crying and went to see Kelli. I told her I dreamed my life was empty boxes. I am sure she had no clue what I was saying, but I was saying something. I had a dream and in it I was looking through my current belongings as though I was sorting through them. I looked through all the boxes and found nothing. I was in a room with no walls or bounds full of empty boxes a chair and a desk. More representative of my job. I have a job. My boxes are empty right now it is sad. As I said one thing that has been of use lately is my personal growth while not complete it has moved to the point where I am looking beyond just that and I see my life is empty. My life is on hold. It is like I am motivated forward but I might as well be in a snow globe because you shake me you make me move but nothing new is there each time the snow settles. I am still where I was. How many times can I ride the same roller coaster before I want to die. My relationship issues are on hold. My personal life is almost on hold because of my friends issues and and my personality. My life is just meaningless without the people I care about and u struggle to make friends because I don't tolerate traits I don't like in quantity. I can't help it. I just don't like to suffer people that make me want to be somewhere else. I don't know where to go what to do. Where do I wait how do I wait do I wait. I want to wait. Should I. I think the person I am waiting for wants me to wait..... Most of the time. I don't know. I feel like I sold a car to some one let them drive away and I am holding an I owe you. It's all trust nothing more and trust is a struggle. Even when you do trust your mind thinks of all the reasons not too. And you fight that and do it anyways. I am constantly fighting myself and eventually someone wins and eventually some one gets hurt. I know the hurt is already there. I know that. Just how much longer will I stay in the ring? What would I do if I stepped out? Right now the only place I see myself wanting to be is in the ring, so I guess the fight will be going to the judges for decision. Most likely after 500 rounds. I feel like it is just round 2 starting too. Oh well, my stubborn is ready my mind is not and my heart is willing. What a shit show.

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