Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Why do people suck? They all seem to suck. I feel hopeless trying to find someone. It is a bottom of the gut feeling that I am hopeless. It is hard to combat. I want my zen I want to be writing about the peace i found today. I know that every day is a struggle and every day you must make your own peace with. Everyday is a struggle. Writting is certainly helping me to find my zen. How I deal with not having Kelli is a zen I am still at odds with. I don't know how to do it. That was my zen subject for today and I found little.I just don't know where to start I suppose. Most struggles I can at least find a start point.This one I can't. I was glad to hear that Kelli reads this. It makes me feel that she understands now what happens in my head. I don't know what happens up there most of the time.It would be interesting if she would tell me what she sees in my words. I like third party objectivity. I also feel however she is the only person I can share these thoughts with. It is just not in me to be open to the world I need a sand box to put my heart in because I am a softy. I trust you with my heart so protect it. Don't be ashamed to talk about it either, good or bad. But this is my hearts playground and right now only Kelli is allowed in my sand box.

Weekend, well my weekend will be interesting. I want to do something. I want to find a girl and just take her out. I feel like that will at least help me feel like I am less stuck. I love Kelli but I understand that the distance will be a crucial thing working against me. I wish I was there. for now that is all I have being I have been talking to her about it tonight. Sadly that helps less because I can't focus and I feel more like I am not saying what I want to.Ugh my emotions feel like they are impossible to communicate. I know that is not true but something about me can't see it.

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