Friday, November 16, 2012
I am under tremendous pressure. Kelli is under tremendous pressure how we will not break is UN thinkable. All I have been able to do to keep from breaking is to suddenly refocus. It allows the pressure to calm. Problem is it is exhausting. The source of the pressure remains so it builds again and again and all I can do is keep flexing and jumping and moving. Its intense work. I have something I desperately want and I can't really have it. It makes me pressurize. Then I jump to I can have it if I just wait. I rationalize why I can wait. I can wait, but the pressure will still be there. To live with the pressure and jumping and get what I want or try so hard I don't want it (both outcomes being fulfilling ones) or give up and wonder and wonder and wonder some more. I am content in my misery. That seems so sad but its what I can allow myself to do and feel good so I do it. I guess its for her but its for me too. I just hope she understands. I know I am like polar opposites at times. I am a jerk to I am caring and infinitely patient. I hate that I am a jerk, but its me sometimes. Its me when I don't agree. Or its me being inpatient. It is my vent. My caring is me who I want to be and can be when I have what I want. Sorry that s life is all i can think. I am happy life is unfair. To me it seems only fair that life is unfair.